What A Work of Art is Man
by zzzaney
Summary: Fraser finds himself in a situation involving Thatcher, Ray and Dief and an Art Gallery.


Body

What a Work of Art is Man 

RATING: PG-13 

PAIRINGS: HMM....HOW ABOUT YOU DECIDE?(Actually, none)  


This idea came to me from watching 'The Wedding Planner' and 

I just HAD to do a fic on it. All credit goes to them. Of course 

I don't own any of the characters and I'm poor, so don't sue me :) 

Also, a big TYK to Janice, who beta'd for me. It *really* sucked 

before her help! PLUS she did the title and the wonderful cover art for this fic. It'll 

be up on my webpage soon, so check it out! http://fanfic.5u.com 

Inspector Margaret Thatcher nervously shuffled through papers on her desk. Finding what she was looking for, she let out a relieved breath. It was only five o'clock. She still had two hours to get ready for the opening. Really though, she thought, how had she allowed herself to get trapped in a position like this to begin with? 

It had started out simply enough. A pamphlet on Turnbull's desk about evening classes at the University of Chicago had caught her attention. Her evenings were, quite frankly, boring; at least of late. It was late in the fiscal year and the normal rounds of diplomatic functions had tapered off dramatically. She found herself with a lot of free time that she didn't know what to do with. The sudden idea of taking an art class, a subject she'd truly enjoyed in college, was quite appealing. 

She had assumed it was a simple University event. How was she to know that it was such a widely advertised and rather popularly attended public function? She had not known that her sculpture was to be on exhibit for all of Chicago to see! 

Taking a shaky sip of her coffee, Meg knew she'd never live this down if certain 'people' saw her work of art. To learn from the best though, you have to copy the best. She'd chosen to do a version of Michealangelo's David, but the face..... 

Trying not to think of it, she punched the intercom on her desk and called for Constable Fraser. 

One minute and forty-six seconds later when he knocked on her door, Meg was safely ensconced behind her desk, feigning intense concentration on last week's inventory report. "Enter!" she snapped, careful to keep her attention focused on the monitor as he entered. 

"You wanted to see me, ma'am?" 

Meg looked up to find him standing at picture perfect attention, his own gaze carefully focused somewhere about the window, above and behind her. She studied him for a moment. After all, it was this particular ability of his to make her think of him as a statue at times, that had inspired her art project. She could tell he was getting nervous when his adams apple started to bob. Hiding a smile, she leaned back in her chair. 

"I was wondering, Constable, do you have any plans for this evening?" 

His eyes flicked to her face momentarily. "Plans, ma'am?" 

"Yes. Are you and Detective Vecchio going to go traipsing about chasing bad guys? What are your plans?" 

Constable Fraser cleared his throat and his weight shifted slightly before he found his rigid stance again. "Detective Vecchio is accompanying his mother to a social function. I was planning to help Mrs. Wanebaum fix her refrigerator. Apparently, it's been--" 

"--Good." she cut him off. He wouldn't be anywhere near the exhibit this evening. 

"Ma'am?" 

She knew he was utterly confused now, but figured that was normal for him. She waved the question off. "That's all, Fraser, you can go." 

She turned her attention back to the monitor and ignored him. Unfortunately, he did not leave as instructed. She could feel his bewildered gaze upon her and knew she was in trouble. 

"If you don't mind my asking, did you need me for anything this evening?" 

Meg's heart jumped as she looked at him. "No...no. As a matter of fact, I was going to be spending a quiet evening at home," she lied, pasting a carefully correct smile in place. She suspected the man was all too capable of seeing through the subterfuge and quickly added, "Dismissed," lest he question her further. 

He stood there for a moment longer before turning and leaving in total confusion as to why she'd actually summoned him in the first place. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

"Come, we don't want to be late." Ma Vecchio hurried her children and grandchildren along as she glanced in the entrance hall mirror to straighten her shawl. This was her evening to shine and she was looking forward to it. 

"Don't worry, Ma, we still have an hour before it opens." Ray came bounding down the steps and stopped short when he saw her. "Ma, you look beautiful." She blushed as he went to her and kissed her cheek. He hadn't seen her so dressed up since before Pop died. She was really excited about tonight. Piling into two cars, it didn't take the Vecchios long to be on their way. 

"There it is," Ma announced as she pointed from the front seat of the Riv. "Oh, I'm so nervous." 

Francesca leaned over the seat. "Don't be Ma. Your painting is great. Everyone's gonna love it." 

She patted her daughters hand as Ray pulled up in front of the building. "Ramundo, this is a no parking zone." 

"Don't worry about it, Ma, I'm a cop." 

She gave him a stern look. 

"Ok, ok, you go on in and I'll park somewhere else." 

"You're a good boy." 

Ray watched as his mother and sister disappeared inside the gallery. Grumbling, it took him another 15 minutes circling the block before he found a spot. Tony had lucked out finding a space not too far from the entrance, and smirked at Ray as he circled the block for the second time before he went into the gallery leaving Ray to fend for himself. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Ray quickly jogged up the stairs to the building and stood in the lobby looking around. He didn't see his family anywhere. There was only a half hour before the exhibit opened and Ray knew his mother wanted to show her painting to all of the family before then. There were other people milling about, those who'd also contributed to the exhibit and their guests. In front of him was the reception desk with guest book and information attendant. The wall to his left was lined with staggered shelving holding various pieces of pottery. The wall to his right was lined with water colors. Two more rooms branched off in either direction. Choosing at random, he rounded a blind corner to find himself surrounded by life-sized statues. 

Ray slowly started to go around the room, shaking his head at some of the 'works of art'. He was certainly glad his mother had taken up painting and not this. Some weren't too bad as statues go, but then, who was he to judge? The only statues he really ever looked at were nestled between the tables at Marcello's, his favorite Italian restaurant. Ray had to do a double take when one in particular caught his eye. 

"No way...." He walked towards the familiar looking statue, walking around it in a full circle and shaking his head. "Someone must have it bad," he muttered. Spying the tag, he just about stopped breathing. "Oh, this is TOO good!" As he decided how to torment his friend with the information he now possessed, a huge smile spread across his face. He ran from the room, straight into his mother. 

"There you are! Come, my painting is hanging in this room." She pulled him towards her masterpiece. 

"But Ma, I have to do something." 

"Nonsense. Come and see." 

Ray relented and followed his mother into the room. The walls were filled with more paintings and soon he found himself standing before a potpourri of fruit nestled in a blue bowl. "That's nice Ma....it's really good." 

She beamed at his praise and pulled him down to kiss his cheek. "Thank you, Ramundo. Now, what is it you must do that is so important?" 

He looked around at Frannie, Maria, and Tony all staring at him. "Uh.....well......Benny! I wanted Benny to see you painting." 

"I thought you said he had other commitments tonight?" Frannie interjected. 

"Yeah, well......this is just too good for him to miss. Besides, it isn't everyday that Ma has a painting on display. I'll be back soon." He practically bolted from the room before anyone else could question him. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Ray screeched the Riv to a halt in front of the decrepit building and ran up the stairs. He had to stop midway to catch his breath but soon was pounding on Fraser's door. When there was no answer, he remembered Benny was going to help a neighbor with....something. He turned just as a door at the far end of the hall opened. 

"Ray?" Fraser called curious. He strode down the hall towards him. "Is something the matter?" 

Ray shook his head. Finally catching his breath, he grinned ear to ear. "I came to get ya. Ma wants you to see her painting." 

Fraser looked at his watch. "I am finished helping Mrs. Wanebaum. Do we have time to make it?" 

"Oh, we'll make it," Ray assured him, taking his friend by the elbow and steering him into his apartment so the Mountie could change. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

"You know Ray, art is the expression of life," Ben commented as the streets flew by. "It defines who we are. Unfortunately, too many people dismiss its importance." 

Ray grinned and nodded his head. "You're right, Benny." 

This time Ray did pull into the no parking zone and was at the door before Ben could even think to object. Ray frowned down at the wolf as the two joined him 

"You can't taken him in there." 

Fraser looked at Dief who whined. "He loves the arts, Ray. It would break his heart if he had to stay in the car." 

Sighing, Ray opened the door, knowing Fraser and the wolf would follow. He breathed a sigh of relief that his family wasn't in the lobby and quickly ushered Fraser into the room on the right. Dief wandered around the room immediately, but Fraser had to be pulled into the room by Ray. 

"I......um....don't think this is the correct room, Ray. There are no paintings, only sculptures." 

Ray could see the confusion on his friends face. "What, you're not embarrassed are you, Benny? After all, this is just another expression of art." 

"No, of course not, Ray." Ben tugged on his ear as he cleared his throat and started to examine the sculptures. Ray watched as Benny slowly walked around the room, reading tags and looking with great interest at the statues. He knew the moment the Mountie recognized the face on one of them. Ray walked over to him. 

"Well, what do ya know. It definitely defines who you are." It took real effort to deliver the observation with a straight face. 

Ben's face was really turning pink and when he looked at the 'package' of the sculpture Ray thought he might pass out! Ray didn't know if Thatcher had simply guessed or had worked from experience, but in either case she'd left Fraser very well endowed. 

Ben tore his eyes away long enough to read the tag. "Oh dear." 

He looked up and tried to act normal as a few other people mingled in and out of the room. One lady looked from him, to the statue and back, causing Fraser to try and hide the statue's 'assets' by standing in front of his plaster duplicate. When she moved on, he turned back to Ray. 

"You knew about this, didn't you?" he hissed accusingly. 

Ray shrugged and allowed himself a mischievous grin. "I didn't know you and the Dragon Lady had become so......close." 

"We're not.......that is to say......I didn't......" Ben took a step back and accidentally stepped on Dief's paw. Dief let out a yelp and Ben turned, stumbling backwards into the statue. The work of art fell to the floor with a thud. 

"Oh, shit!" Ray exclaimed as he and Ben stared at the fallen man. Dief whined and then they heard it: The distinctly commanding voice of Margaret Thatcher. The two men quickly scrambled to right it as the voice drew closer. The statue proved to be heavier than either originally thought and both Ray and Ben were panting with effort by the time they righted it. 

Fraser breathed a sigh of relief. Ray, on the other hand, stooped down to pick something up. He held it out to Fraser. 

Ray couldn't hide the smile on his face. "Got some extra room in those boxers of yours, Benny?" 

The life-like penis was *not* supposed to be in his best friend's hand! Fraser looked from the penis, to Ray and then to the door with a look of horror. He quickly took it from Ray and taking off his stetson, pulled a small tube of glue from the lining. He applied the glue liberally to the penis. Just as Meg walked into the room, he placed it in its original position. 

Meg stopped short to see her worst nightmare standing before her. Closing her eyes for a moment, she opened them and stuck her chin out as she headed towards the two men. 

Fraser quickly turned to face her, causing his hand to twist behind his back. Ray stood to his left, trying to look innocent as they hid, as best they could, what had happened. 

"F-Fraser. Vecchio. What are you doing here?" 

"Well.....um...." Ben looked desperately towards Ray. 

"My Ma has a painting in the other room. We were just taking in the atmosphere." 

Meg noticed the small jerking motions Fraser was making. She also thought it odd that he was practically leaning against her statue. "I see" 

Ray looked behind Fraser to see him desperately trying to remove his hand from the statue's 'assets'. He turned to see Meg try and look behind Fraser, but moved to block her view. 

"So, Inspector, I didn't know you were into art?" 

She glared at the Detective. The humor in his voice was like nails on a chalkboard to her. 

"I thought I'd take a class in my spare time. Do you have a problem with that?" 

"No, not at all. I was just telling Benny how he seems to have some resemblance to......" 

"I can assure you that's quite accidental. Actually, I.....I don't see that much of a resemblance." She stuttered. "Fraser?" 

He had been looking behind himself, and turned quickly to face her. "No ma'am. No resemblance a'tall." 

"Fraser, what exactly are you doing?" 

"Doing, ma'am?" 

Meg was exasperated as she looked at him. "Yes, Fraser, doing. Why are you standing like that?" 

Ray tried to draw her attention away from his friend. "Ya know, you would really make Ma's day if you came to see her painting." Ray took her elbow and tried to get her to move towards the door. "It's just in the other room." 

"Detective let go of my arm." Meg's voice was low and with the glare she gave him, he didn't think twice about complying. 

He watched helplessly as she moved in on Ben like he was a steak and she was starving. 

"Constable Fraser, move away from the statue." 

"Statue, ma'am?" 

"My statue, Constable. Please move away from it." 

Ben's free hand tugged at the collar of his shirt and he shifted uncomfortably. 

"That's an order, Fraser." 

Slowly, he took a couple of side steps until he was as far away from the statue as humanly possible with his hand still attached to the statues 'nether regions'. 

Meg's eyes grew wide as she saw her constable cupping her sculptures assets. She tried to make sense of what she was seeing. Glancing about self consciously, she lowered her voice. "Fraser, I can see why you may be embarrassed with the but I can assure you that trying to hide the..in that way." She was gesturing helplessly, hoping to make him understand. "It's drawing undo attention to us." 

Fraser looked down and stopped tugging. He knew it was time to confess. Taking a deep breath, he looked up to see Ray moving behind Meg with a big smile on his face. Ray mouthed the words, "You're on your own buddy," before ducking out of the room quickly. Dief whined at Fraser in sympathy, then dashed off after Ray. 

"I can't, ma'am." 

"You can't what? Just let go, Fraser!" Impatiently Meg closed the distance between them and grabbed his wrist. She was surprised when it didn't budge. Her eyes grew wide as she looked in the face mere inches from hers. "Please tell me you didn't glue yourself to the statue!" She frantically whispered. 

"I can't, ma'am." 

"What do you mean, 'you can't?'" 

"I can't tell you that, because I." 

Meg turned from him, not letting him finish. She took hold of his hand in both of hers and pulled hard, not caring if she took his skin off. She felt him try to help her, and finally, after a few tugs, his hand came loose and they both staggered back. 

Meg tugged at her dress to straighten it as she glanced about. She was sure her face matched the color of his red serge on the brightest day, but held her head high nonetheless. She could feel her tension headache grow to a new height. Why her? Why did these things always seem to happen to her when he was around? 

"I- am -going -home- now." Meg slowly stated, enunciating each word slowly, as if Ben might have trouble understanding her otherwise. 

Ben opened his mouth, but she held up a hand to stop him. "Save the explanations, Constable. You've done more than enough for one evening." 

She was out the door before he could speak. Hesitantly, Ben brought his right hand forward, uncurling his fingers to reveal the penis still securely attached to the palm of his hand. 

"Oh dear." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The End ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


End file.
